Rough Draft Project 3

Lourdes and Judy, interview transcript

[00:00:00.00] Okay so I'm gonna. Hello? okay oh fuck. Ahhhh...

[00:00:06.10] Okay. does it sound better, like this okay.

[00:00:09.06] So Lourdes what are some things that cause you to be anxious

[00:00:18.06] Some things that cause me to be anxious would be... would be

[00:00:22.11] my.. school work,...  thinking about the future makes me anxious. Ummmm.....

[00:00:33.23] Probably thinking about my family and their well being

[00:00:39.19] and random,... like... random things that I think about if I am in a situation. like my mind would automatically  go to a like a worse case scenario for some reason.

[00:00:51.22] It's very strange.

[00:00:56.10]

Ummm. why does.. why do you like get anxious about like the welling being of your parents, cause  i mean like, your family cause, i mean like normally they should be fine.

[00:01:11.21] Ummm. I'm not entirely sure. I think it's more of a ... a fear of ... them ... dying?

I don't know.

[00:01:23.07] It's more like, imma afraid that  like i wont have as much time with them as I think that i do.

[00:01:29.08]

Like, they will like, all of a sudden like one day gone, like, like everything could be gone , and all of of a sudden they are gone. Or something like that

[00:01:35.04]

Orr... it’s just that like, sometimes, like, they go out, and then they take too long to come back and then i'm like oh my goodness what if something happens and I automatically just  go to the worse cause scernai and im just like

[00:01:48.07] oh, ohhh nooo.

[00:01:49.12] okayyy. That so bad. but....

[00:01:54.10] Yeaa

[00:02:00.20] Is there like event like that cause to make you feel like anxious about like, this certain thing.

[00:02:08.15] Maybe.. maybe.. this like specific thing.

[00:02:12.25] I feel like, ummm.

[00:02:17.05] I feel like maybe, I starte

[00:02:20.11]

I don't know maybe, maybe developing my anxiety or like, or like being more anxious , i started getting more anxious about things when i was in elementary school.

[00:02:30.28]And it just either....

[00:02:36.00]

unnecessary sounds

[00:02:39.18]Sooo, i think that, i think that, my.... anxiety started when I was in maybe elementary school.

[00:02:50.14]And then. iT just... either .. got worse... or diminished... in certain subjects.

[00:02:59.09]But like, it's still pretty there and they , I just feel like a lot of things in life.

[00:03:12.10]

What is like one of the like, worse like, anxious event that ever happened in your like that actually came true and you were like oh shit.

[00:03:26.06]Like the worse thing,. That you actually anxious about that turned bad.

[00:03:40.10]I can’t think of like,

[00:03:44.17]

The worst thing, that I... have ever anxious about, im not entirely sure.

I get anxious about like... small things here and there . That like are like, like miscellaneous that don’t really matter . They don’t really matter much.

[00:04:05.19]But, I still get nervous about them.

[00:04:10.24]

Maybe one of the worse times I was anxious was like.

When I had a friend ship that was ending. and then and it was a really long established friendship.

[00:04:26.22]

I felt I... I had put my entire like... heart into and then it just felt like .. I cant so much that i cared so much about this person and it was more like like anxious about the change of not having the person to go to , to be in my life anymore, in that kind of way.

[00:04:48.20]That made me... very anxious.

[00:05:01.04]

Did anything like happen , to cause you like to make you to start becoming more anxious about something. Oh like.

[00:05:10.04]

Does this one friend that did something to you and it just fked.

I don’t know like back stab you, and then like when another friend did that to you. Id the exact same thing were you anxious about their action but in the end they didn't do what the other friend did. DId anything like that happen to you before.

[00:05:27.18]I think that....

[00:05:30.19]

I think that, my anxiety started when I was in elementary school. Not necessarily over friend drama. It was moreover like, school , school ,like school work and things like that..

Ummm.

[00:05:47.06]

I feel like ever since I was younger , i have pushed myself to do better and to be better... and it just , it gotten to the b=point and it just developed to the point, I felt . If I didn't do like what perfectly then Im doing something wrong, and I'm like and I’m

[00:06:11.22] ummmm... mistake or ... I do all these things to basically make myself feel bad about myself and

[00:06:22.18]It's like . I’ll put myself down and it's like. I don't know. It's like

[00:06:35.17] Is it hard to talk about your feelings.

[00:06:37.17]

Yes. But it's like also hard to like articulate what I'm trying to say.

[00:06:42.11]

Okay i think that, i think that like when .. the time where might benn, it started when it was elementary school. buttt it started with school work .. because.

it was always like I felt like I had to well, basically not, get my parents upset at me.

[00:07:06.06]

with like grades or like behavior, and things like that. So i would put my effort into that. But it got the point where i basically... mad=ybe you would consider extreme perfectionism, where I

[00:07:24.17]

Would take it to the extreme and if I didn't do something that... perfect like, I got a test back and it wasn't like a perfect grade I would do all these things to belittle myself and put myself down.

[00:07:42.16] And I would get really depressed, I still get really depressed but, I feel like it was for .

[00:07:51.21] Maybe A few years ago, and right now it's like kinda okay.. but not really ... so

[00:08:03.14]

(Noise)

[00:08:06.25]

You know like how it was, like, really bad over like couple of years ago, is there anything you do, or anything you realize that you don't have to be perfect to lessen the burden at all.

[00:08:23.15]

I'm not sure if i realize that I have to ... be less perfect... but I feel like I've .. Not that I  definitely like realize, it more like on the road to establishing., That I don't need to be perfect because no one really perfect.  So,

[00:08:49.20]

Yea, probably, it's more, it’s more like ummm. A journey on my.. mental health, like mental journey, what basically what it is and how its like and how I can be healthier in that aspect.

[00:09:07.13]

and not put myself down as much as I would would when I was younger. I feel like i have grown. Somewhat in that way. i=But i still feel like most of the time. I tend to spiral down to

[00:09:21.25] Just maybe the abyss.

[00:09:28.13]

do you like ever tell any of your friends that like made you feel this way,. and do they like do anything to like help you with this. Like oh its okay, like, we'll study together,  Or like its okay, after like getting a bad test grade, we can go out and like watch sad movies together and cry about it or anything like that.

[00:09:50.22] Yes , I did, I did, I did tell my friends and they were very supportive of me.

[00:09:57.01] Especially, ummm...

[00:10:00.04]

They would give me, they would basically help me, not feel that way, or they would try to make me feel better if they ever got to the point of feeling really badly . ANd

[00:10:13.29] they would help me think of other ways to ...

[00:10:19.11]

cope I guess . cope with like.. these feelings,...and like my anxieties about things like this and just ..

[00:10:31.12] try to help me to be healthier.

[00:10:38.08]

umm like... did you parents ever find out , like about these feeling that you had. and like did you ever like, after one of these things happen. Do you just go to your room or like cry about it or buy food, or like binge eat out like, bad habits that may have formed

[00:11:06.21]

when I had situations where I would get.. really anxious,  or really depressed, I would

[00:11:16.26]

basically just... sit , sit in my room . I would sit in my room and just zone out, and then I would probably do nothing the whole day. just cause like i feel like . it's like an emptiness kind of feeling or like a numbness where its like.

[00:11:35.06]

I don't feel like doing anything else and I also don't have the motivations or the energy.

[00:11:41.06] to do anything else.

[00:11:45.14] And....

[00:11:47.17] I ... I try to go to my parents when I was ... first starting out in high school and .

[00:11:56.22]

it wasn't an issue still from then ... it would still an issue when I started high school and

[00:12:06.03]

and it made it seem like they didn't really understand what I was going through and they were not very helpful  So for the most part I would try to go to my friends and confide in them

[00:12:22.05]

Maybe as like I gotten older, and i dealt with these things, they tried to be more understanding and more supportive.

[00:12:30.29]and they tried to help me more with these problems.

[00:12:39.15] the most recent like, even that you were like, kinda like anxious about.

[00:12:52.04]

the most recent thing i was anxious about would have to be.. the.. basically... where im going to be after graduate college. I don't .. I don't know. Whats its gonna look like

[00:13:07.20] like how I’m gonna be like finally, like , i'm hoping to get a job.

[00:13:14.24]

and that the things that worries me the most. I'm worried that I’m doing all this schooling, and I’m doing all this work and im and basically working my ass off.

[00:13:27.10]

trying to ... keep on top of everything and I'm afraid that it's not gonna be enough and im still gonna be stuck on the ground level.

[00:13:38.28] and theres gonna be no way to basically escape.

[00:13:46.27] or get out

[00:13:56.03] noise

[00:14:38.19] is there anything that you overcame that you are not anxious about any more

[00:14:45.21] I would have to say that there.... is probably...

[00:14:51.14] very few things that I am no longer anxious about.

[00:14:56.29] maybe... one of the only things .... i guess

[00:15:04.09] it would have to be...

[00:15:11.02]

Actually... no i don't think there is anything that I;ve im not. im not, i dont think is there anything i have gotten over being anxious about

[00:15:23.26]

it's just that it feels like it is, it dwindles for a bit. and then it comes back either as like, the same strength or like even worse.

[00:15:44.26]

Like .. things that makes you most anxious and mostly about the future or likes school . is there other things that makes anxious about. like  the most stereotypical anxious, the way you look , or like friends... i don't know

[00:16:05.22]

I feel like when it comes to my body image. it's not more like ,, its more like, self consciousness and not like anxiety.

[00:16:17.21]  it's more like, im more... cautious of like of how i dress or how I look in public. actually that a lie.

[00:16:27.13] there have been certain times..

[00:16:30.27]

I guess it's because I am a little self conscious of my body. there would be times where i would wear things in public and I would be afraid that...

[00:16:41.24]

im being stared at, and like it would feel like, I have like eyes staring at me . and baring to the back of my head and;

[00:16:53.11]

it would make me feel really, uncomfortable... and i would kinda just feel like, I kinda , i kinda want, I kinda want want to take this off right now and i dont, I dont think think i am ever going to do this again

[00:17:12.06]

my self consciousness about my body image. I feel like its gets me to the point where.... i.. i feel like someone else is judging me for what i am wearing.

[00:17:27.03] it would... make me not want to do this again.

[00:17:33.26] was there any time that just have had a mental breakdown where you were like ahhhh..

[00:17:43.10] i feel like the time... where i have had the most anxiety...

[00:17:48.05]

or at least the highest level of like anxiety or how, or when my mental health just not very good or in a good place,

[00:17:59.15]

was when I was in highschool. but i think specifically . Junior and senior year of high school because I was so worried about

[00:18:11.10] college. and college applications

[00:18:15.09] amd just like

[00:18:18.24] iI was worried that i wasn't good enough to get into the school that i wanted to get into .

[00:18:25.11] and I feel like my ...

[00:18:30.27] my issues with...

[00:18:35.13] school ... such as

[00:18:38.27] my issue with

[00:18:43.26] being like

[00:18:47.16] being good, at certain things and accepting that I wasn't good at certain subjects really

[00:18:55.14]

really came to light. During those fears. because that was usually at the time where everyone became like alot of more competitive. and alot more

[00:19:07.18]I guess book savvy.

[00:19:10.18] because everyone's wanted to get into the school wanted.

[00:19:14.24] and they wanted to do well. and it basically became a free for all.

[00:19:21.11]

where it was just like, we're friends but we need to friend for yourself because i am not helping you with this.. because I need to get ahead, and I don't really care if i leave you behind. and i feel like

[00:19:36.14] it was a really time for me.

[00:19:41.12]

because there were people that i feel like were my friends that. were.. kinda using me as a convenience its seems like. so that also didn't help my very much.

[00:20:06.20] like you are not friends with them anymore right